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March 4th – An Update

This is an update from the author, written March 4th 2013.

19 Days down, 27 more to go.

That math doesn’t equal up to 40 days I’ve been told lent consists of but alas, numbers don’t usually make sense. Add 19 days sans orgasm to the mix and you’ve got a cluster-fuck of mathematical equations that make less sense than E=MC2. And I bet even Albert Einstein took care of his personal business.

I planned originally to update this site on my progress pretty frequently. At least a couple of times a week. Well, life gets busy and truthfully, writing about sex is only making me want to have more of it. I haven’t been thinking any less about sex than before. No, perhaps even more. Which is scary considering how often my mind is supposed to be focused on things like school work and my job. Nope, nowhere is safe from pervasive thoughts as long as my gutter-ridden mind is accompanying.

Over the course of my journey so far, I’ve learned more than expected. Self-knowledge is only expanding at this point. Still unsure whether or not that’s something I enjoy. Regardless, it’s something I need. Most people could benefit from spending a month and a half staring intently in the mirrors they project. You begin to see that a lot of things you thought you’ve hid from society and yourself, are ever prevalent and jarring.

In my case, such mirrors reflect uncertainties, multitudes of doubt and a large problem with co-dependency. Doubt of my goals. Uncertainties of the future and how much effort is required for things. Co-dependent to the point of lonesome self-destruction. Oh yes, I realize how needy I am. That’s somewhat of a new admittance. These days of lent were meant to separate me from the throes of relational pull. The gravity of women keeps me grounded, that’s clearly not the problem.

The problem is with me. With not being able to wake up and spend an entire day alone without thoughts off lifelessness creeping by. Fully aware now at the need of a she to help drive my days. I don’t like that. I don’t want that. I don’t need that. I’m an adult, time to act like one.

I’ve been slipping, allowing myself to be loved by anyone willing to produce the emotions long enough to captivate my attention. For now, I remain aware at the selfish notion but am letting it ride. Check back to see how the decision changes me, cause without a doubt, it will.


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