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How’s this for self aware?

This summer was what summers should be, consuming of time spent doing very little. I attribute lots of my wasted time to a period of heavy drinking. It began to bleed into the school year and recently lots of things going on in my personal and family life have caused me to once again, chill the fuck out. Chilling the fuck out finally gives me some moments to work. The book was set to be released this summer, but with all that happened I shelved it until the fall/winter. As time grows closer it appears winter will bring the indefinite release of the highly anticipated memoir “Long Legs in the Twin Cities”.

Final edits have begun! Many hours have been spent in coffee shops and Perkins in the last month in order to get this thing out for everyone to read. It took years of my life to gather these stories so it’s not surprising that it’s taken so long to complete.

Going back to working on this book brought me mentally back to a place I’ve been trying hard to run from. Instead of continuing to run, I faced it head first. Chose to drive down to the city that Ellie and I once fell in love in. It’s the city I proposed to her in. The city that changed our lives. Figured it would help spark something. It did. Sparked lots of old memories and thoughts. Lots of guilt. Lots of understanding. Since she won’t speak to me, the closest I could get to a true apology is this. Hello closure? You’ve gotta be somewhere..

This city.

Remember how bad you hated it?

Used to spend at least half of the day with me on the phone. Talking to someone back home like it was a connection to the living.

You always felt so lonely here.

Even though it’s always been beautiful, full of life and as inspiring as you’ve been.

It’s a lonely place.

One where tortured souls are drawn to. One where the trains roll out with more occupants than it rolled in with.

One that holds more beneath the surface, it calls out its need to be unearthed.

It’s given birth to miracles and tragedies. Love and hate. Fellowship and destitute.

Wrapped it one neat package along highway 61.

No bow needed, because by the time you realize your gift for it’s worth it’s flipped sides, been plucked from your grasp and placed into some pawn store window for any stranger to come and take possession of.

This city.

It seems to be full of pawn stores.

Here is where I purchased someones second-hand dream and began cultivating my own.

No wonder you felt so lonely.

Images of you sitting up at night in your dorm room, wondering just where your heart was that night. Curious as to where I was bringing it to wring out this time.

How lonely it must have been.

Convinced of stability and invested through love, you wanted to believe me.

Sat in this very hotel early that morning on your birthday years ago, saying everything you wanted to hear. Promises. Commitments. Lies. All confirmed by presenting a ring with the best and most honest intentions.

You didn’t deserve to be lonely.

Thought it could be fixed. Drove this road more times than my probation officer or bosses were ever aware of. Hoping it could be fixed. Every weekend, you could escape yourself for a while. Every weekend, you allowed me to escape myself for a while.

We took turns with the loneliness.

Somewhere it grew ugly. Became contagious. It crept into my drives home. Passing the river with dreams of drifting away. Somewhere with you. Somewhere forever.

We never would have been lonely.

Eventually time was up here in this lonely place. Ready to come home. Ready to start those promises we made. Excited for what our future held. You came home, alright.

Things never felt lonelier.

Between keeping us a secret from your family and trying to full-time support my constant negative attitude towards life, you had your hands full. Moving on to a real, full-time paying job became a priority. Forcing you to negate time somewhere.

Lonelier I grew with you in and out day-to-day.

Sacrificed most of my friends because you felt they were bad influences. I valued your opinion. Took your word. You were right, in most cases. Peerless in months from you being home. Can’t place all the blame in your court.

You remained lonely.

Peerless as well. My guilt fueled jealousy drove you to cut ties. We didn’t need anyone else. We could cure the loneliness together.

I grew vindictive. Upset we remained a secret and bitter at my loss of friends. You just kept brushing it under the rug. Buying time until time was right. It caused me to respond in a way no one should be proud of. Figured I’d fix me.

Ignoring how lonely you remained.

Random women began replacing my loneliness while yours grew.

Piling mistakes seemed more important than trying to help you climb out. Felt it was rightful. It was foolish.

You never deserved to be lonely.

Look at where we’re at now. Somehow I’ve migrated back to this city while responding to the call of loneliness. You’re who knows where, with who knows who. Beyond this state of mind, beyond this city, beyond me.

Here I am, lonely in Winona.



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