If you actually follow this blog, you may be aware that I don’t update it frequently. This is due to many things. Being a busy and highly depressed 20-something can pretty much sum it up though. Somedays (more often then not) I have the time but not the balls to be so honest with the world wide web, much less myself. I spend a lot of time running. Running from everything and everyone. This is just another thing to run from.

Lately, I’ve been running for longer and further. Keeping my distance from society as a whole. Deleting facebook, ignoring phone calls, cancelling plans, taking day trips alone, skirting eye contact, and all around avoiding people at any cost. I want to keep running; Until I’m exhausted, out of breath and in some forgien place that will somehow save me from this state of mind.

Yes, this has got ahold of me. Yes, it’s been getting the better of me. Yes, I’m still trying to fight.

This battle is probably the hardest because internally it is not one that I have the motivation or want to defeat. In all honesty, it’d be easier to roll over and let life fuck me until I turned into a mangled mismanaged corpse. Of course as all things in life are, it is not nearly that simple. For the sake of the few who love me I decide to continue fighting and trying to defeat this ugly, ugly disorder.

You didn’t really need to know any of that if you don’t know me in real life, it’s mainly for those few. But if you can relate, I sympathize and hope you keep up the fight for the ones who love you as well. That’s the funny thing about this particular fight: even though you are the only one to have a say and it constantly feels so lonely and helpless, the outcome is going to have much larger impactful repercussions on a scalable amount of people.

So, to those who care. I’m alive.

Gearing up for the hardest personal day of my year. This Thursday is going to test my stability more than most of the recently failed tests did. Desperately need to make it through this one.

In order to backtrack from the running, and find some lingering sense of ground I’m going to just be honest. This is me putting all the cards face up with zero ill intent. During the next few days I’m going to share some of the most private excerpts from buried notebooks, it would be great to hear from you guys. Link me to things, hold me accountable, ask questions, send an email, comment, whatever works! Looking forward to building social situations with you folks.

Until tomorrow,

-Samantha Koshiol