Some more current pieces on my general state of mind and introspective understanding of life. These were all written in the past two months. Enjoy.
The definition of irony may be attempting to cure your social anxiety in by sitting smack dab in a sea of strangers. Been at this strange little battle for about 30 days now. Out of all the intense inner struggles I’ve been through, this one is a bizarre first. Living life through a decade of deep, engulfing depression and anxiety problems you’d think the eyeballs and judgments would have already caused some type of irrational fear. You my friend, would be wrong.
Maybe now I’m peering too deeply, terrified everyone else is doing the same. The close we become to someone the more we’re forced to open up and share. Even acquaintances on some level. It feels like we know each others stories without explanation or question.
School has always been a fun and fulfilling social experience. Loved the first day of classes. Finding new people to learn from and communicate with was exciting every semester. That plus the joy of learning new things has caused me to commit years upon years of my life to chasing a degree for a job I’m most likely not even suited for.
Self-doubt isn’t anything new. We’re old friends. Reflections have been mocking me for longer than they haven’t at this point. It’s the people that have always continued to keep me grounded beyond all the negative internal bouts. The interpersonal relations. The human connection. The social link. Building someone to care for, to build something to care for.
It’s come to a point where I’ve let those few in and I have no trouble keeping it limited to those few. The big problem is it tends to feel they’re increasingly decreasing. Of course this falls into my hands in some regard. Been becoming detached for some time now. Feels I keep cutting circulation to the portion of my brain that desires socialization. So what now?
Who are you kidding?
Only so much distance traveled until you hit another road bump.
How’s your traction?
Seem to be spinning into oblivion, unsure where this loss of control will leave you directed towards.
Ready to steer?
Grip the path, wheel in hand. Floor it to destiny.